Britain's Next Top Model: The One With Male Models! And Flesh! And Lingerie!

Previously on BNTM.... Seriously, the dramz are out in full force with this series already despite nothing really happening.

The lucky 14 have been sent to London for a pose off with Charley Speed. Posing with props. Mmm. So that means thinking about what you're posing with and holding it and arching apparently. Poor Charley, he ain't no Benny Ninja. And the girls ain't no posers. Apart from Susan, who I want to like but kinda want to slap at the same time because she is quite clearly A Drama Student.

Delita is deliciously deluded (no I will not stop with this until she is gone!) about her ability, insisting she was like La Moss.

Julien MacDonald woodenly wanders into view and proffers some gold catsuits for the girls to catwalk in. The amount of bad posture and bad walking is horrifying. Amelia was good but not because her and Julien are Welsh like she seems to think. And why do so many of these girls not know how to walk in heels?!?! Does no one understand that you have to practice these things?

Joy continues her bizarre displays of attitudinal problems. If someone says you need to work on something, you need to work on it. Not just dismiss it out of hand as irrelevant. Contrary to what she believes, she does not know everything.

Amelia and Kirsty were picked to walk at London Fashion Weekend and were pretty good to be fair.

Ugh pigeon chested male models. Who bizarrely invoke squeals (again, maybe it's contractual) And you know what half nekkid boymen mean? Nekkidness! Or rather more specifically a lingerie shoot for Fred and Ginger. The one goo thing about throwing them in at the deep end is that they have to get to grips with it. Despite all of them saying at the audition stages that they have absolutely no issues with nudity, when it comes down to it, nearly all of them do. Models spend a lot of time with not many clothes on so you kinda have to be ok with it or you don't work.

Joy and Kirsty had to lez it up which Joy couldn't quite get to grips with. Harleen worried about what her mum and boyfriend would think about her rolling round in her undercrackers.

Oh Delita... even with a mountain of instruction, her poor brain can't cope with more than one instruction at a time. Tiffany looked lovely - very sultry 60s.
I love Hannah. She's not a model but she's fab. Especially when stood next to the personality void that is Amelia. I don't like Amelia.

Susan and Amba had fab pictures as did Tiffany. My favourite overall though was this one from Joy and Kirsty


Hannah got down to the last two with Delita. And gallantly quit while she was ahead. Elle was simperingly nice about it. HHPOF! Miz Tyra would've cut a bitch for taking the place from someone who really, REALLY wanted it.

Anyway, next week..... MAKEOVER DRAMZ!!!! You know it's the only episode that counts.

Britain's Next Top Model: The One Where There's An Actual Top Model

So Britain's Next Top Model starts with some kind of weird film trailer type effort with platitudes from such press luminaries as The Telegraph, OK! and Grazia which I'm pretty sure were used to describe ANTM and not BNTM but still, it's all POW! POW! POW! ELLE!

In case you were under any illusion that the pretenders to HHPOF! Miz Tyra's crown were mere also-rans, think again. Elle Macpherson's introduction (complete with Executive Producer credit) shows that it may well have taken 5 seasons to get here but now they're really actually rather ready to find a top model. Obviously though in that grand tradition of Top Model antics from around the world (a top model from any of them? Anyone?)

In case you weren't sure which version you were watching, the 25 girls that are to be further whittled are in The Countryside, waiting at a bus stop curiously emblazoned with a TfL logo. I didn't know Zone 40 existed. First sob story - Kadian. Not only a single mum but run over! With a metal plate in her arm! And a scar! She's a SURVIVOR!

Charley Speed and Grace Woodward are introduced as new judges - good call. Grace is pretty aces at her job and we can now look at Charley instead of Jonathan Phang.
As per their contracts, there's a lot of shrieking at every statement and then even more for - lo! - there is Elle! An actual freaking supermodel!

(I'm just putting this out there now but Elle MacPherson has squiffy eyes. How has this never been noticed???)

First task to whittle the girls down was a head shot with Grace. We already get our first reference to smiling with your eyes though clearly this girl hasn't learnt properly from HHPOF! or she'd know it's just SMIZING now.

And because we're all about diversity (except when it comes to anyone over a size 8) look! A lesbian! Who reminds me of Lluvy from Season 4 of ANTM.

Joy is the current one who thinks she knows it all, complete with "Whatever bizatches" attitude.

Obviously next we have walking. And why for the love of god can none of them walk properly!?!??!!??! Will they never learn?!?!?!?!?? It's not just a case of Pow! Strut Pow! Only Amba admitted to having practised walking. Except for cute but useless Hannah. Oh bless her. She couldn't walk in heels, she couldn't walk out of them. I love her. She's a klutz, not a model.
Simone (token plus size?) had a Naomi fall but got up and got on with it which was the right thing to do.

The new format is a lot closer to ANTM now with the swimwear interview with the panel and all the talk of wanting it more than air/life/water/food/a kitten.

Bwahahaha! Julien Macdonald, Fashion Designer! New judge! Didn't appreciate his comments about plus size models but he was fab on Project Catwalk - he's kinda like a woodenly scripted Janice. Only less fabulous.

Time for a photoshoot and the obligatory group them together to make it easier to weed out the ones who don't 'pop'.

Joy has a hissy fit about her outfit. Oh my.... apparently they'd styled her like that on purpose. Uh-huh.

So then it got down to the nitty gritty of the final 13. And I have to say I'm surprised. Oh but twistaroo! A 14th! Oh my!
So, after 90 minutes of being assaulted by all the newness, these are my current top three:
Joy
She may be a whiny bitch but she takes a good picture and quite frankly, what more do you want?

Tiffany

Sultry and kooky and hella cute.

AmbaMy current tip to win. Which means now she probably won't.

If you need more BNTM goodness, and quite frankly who doesn't, then check out their website at www.bntm.tv